Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see