Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
calling in to work dehydrated
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.