Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
