Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too