[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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aesthetic
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
#MeanwhileInCanada
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men