[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match