Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

ㅤ

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’