Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Terribly Tuesday.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.