astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
You Might Also Like
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I try
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
This was the best day of my life
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”