astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
You Might Also Like
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time