Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.