Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

He’s cranky this morning

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

LOL

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

bags with threatening auras

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.