Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.