Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.