Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what day is it?

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.