Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
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“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille