astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.