Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

May have had one breakfast too many

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart