astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
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Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*Seductively hides in the woods
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.