astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
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2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
This is me
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did