Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.