Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

So glad we cleared that up

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

Artwork by Herta Burbe

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop