“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
j o i m p
