Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.