Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Fights fire with marshmallows
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing