Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

This was the best day of my life

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets