Astrology person: what’s your siiiiggnnnnnn

Me: I think I’m a stegosaurus

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I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it’s the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.


*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*


Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.


Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*


WHAT I ORDER: French toast

WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die


hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used


DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point


“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations


[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.