[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
wait.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.