Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.