Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
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Comparing yourself to others
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
No. He’s not coming out to play
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter