@LoveNLunchmeat

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

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@SamSkoronski

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

@GrantTanaka

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

@fuckmarrywill

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

@Brianhopecomedy

If I applied for a job at the Vatican & they asked for my references I’d say, “Contact Him” while pointing up. HOW COULD I NOT GET THE JOB.

@MaryJustice86

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

@Peauxtassium

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@Mimiification

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

@MoistPork

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.