Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

trivia

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.