Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
and now we wait
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
just having fun
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?