Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

Meow

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.