Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”