Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror.
(I’ve locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)