@freypalm

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

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@MindyFurano

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

@fuzzlime

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

@TheToxicWaster

Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..

@welfarehoe

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

@AngelaEhh

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

@bea_ker

You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror.

(I’ve locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)