Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

I really had high hopes for this year though

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

A great first step 😂

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

getting corrected

Spa day..😅

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her