Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

They did not miss in the small print

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

this was very charming

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena