astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
You Might Also Like
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Do not steal food from the science building!
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.