Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

Smooooooth

Saturday

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter