Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.