Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.