Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.