@ImSoFrancis

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

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@jonnysun

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

@realHamOnWry

My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.

@tiffstevenson

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

@roggyie

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

@jergarl

In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”

@MissNaughty1801

I imagine some people are like…: ‘should I take the shower?…no…I’m taking the train today…’

@rolldiggity

Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.

@capnmcfword

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

@kathbarbadoro

Me: IDK why I’m so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life
My friends: The moon is weird right now
Me: Yeah nevermind it’s definitely because the moon is weird right now

@iamjohnsarris

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.