wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
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My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”
I imagine some people are like…: ‘should I take the shower?…no…I’m taking the train today…’
Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Me: IDK why I’m so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life
My friends: The moon is weird right now
Me: Yeah nevermind it’s definitely because the moon is weird right now
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.