Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Why I divorced her.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Breaking news:
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
an airline just for babies.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
the greatest twitter interaction
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.