Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

I like crazy people until they notice me

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

When I face a minor setback

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.