Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes: