Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!