Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.