I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Its a hippotatomus
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?