Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
hand it over!
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
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