Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You Might Also Like
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said