astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The Eggorcist
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef