Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

step 6: release the wall snake