Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
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[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
bros in the example zone 😭
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
But wait…
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?