Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

the greatest twitter interaction

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”