Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

Camel dough

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor