Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

Monica just destroyed the internet

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

tell em, edith-anne

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.