Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
birds and squirrels envy us
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you