Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
spot the difference
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁