astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
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I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.