astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
dutch is not a serious language
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday