@thelateinnings

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

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@Angibangie

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

@Jesssicle

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

@AGStr8upNinja

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

@blade_funner

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

@sad_tree

Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.

“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”

@timdonakowski

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

@ronnui_

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

@PortRooster

Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!

@XplodingUnicorn

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

@QwertyJones3

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.