astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle