Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper