Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.