A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow