Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.