At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here