At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out