At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
good work, detective
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I think we should hear other voices.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing