At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
yall want some gasoline milk
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
RT if you could go either way.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
