At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
You Might Also Like
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run