@BrassBallsCJ

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

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@imteddybless

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

@SteelFontana

I’m always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.

@KenJennings

Oh I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.

@ThatAdamKid

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

@gobmentcheese

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

@STitusR

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

@SteveKoehler22

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

@XGroverX

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”