At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Sometimes? I’m slipping
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.