Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity