Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Sometimes? I’m slipping

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.