Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.