At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
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*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
This pepper has seen some shit
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.