Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

long lost

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.